Call me 'Germerican'

”I’m homesick all the time,” she said, still not looking at him “I just don’t know where home is. There’s this promise of happiness out there. I know it. I even feel it sometimes. But it’s like chasing the moon – just when I think I have it, it disappears into the horizon. I grieve and try to move on, but then the damn thing comes back the next night, giving me hope of catching it all over again.”

— Sarah Addison Allen 

If you’re an expat, maybe you can generally relate to that feeling of not knowing where you fit in exactly. I remember reading a book once in high school, or perhaps junior high, about a man who found himself without country. Kind of like Meg Ryan in French Kiss. If you haven't seen that movie, rent it, or Netflix it, or stream it. It's a great film. Though both those examples of stories explain someone officially without country, mine is more of a spiritual without country. When I go back to the US I feel German. All I want to do is speak German and recycle and stare at people. I feel like a one-trick pony because the only thing people want to talk to me about is Germany and 'say something in German'. When I am in Germany, I feel American. People only want to speak English with me. They have no qualms telling me about how crazy the U.S. is and I feel I have to defend it in many ways, usually with the imaginary gun they think I tote around. I have a love-hate relationship with both. but then when I travel I can feel at home wherever I go. I had a colleague in grad school who basically said, the problem with people who travel a lot and move around a lot, is they are never satisfied. They are always looking for home, but  they can never find it anywhere. I've spent a total of 7 years in Germany, 6 consecutively and I keep saying I'm going to move home, but cutting the cord, almost makes me feel like I'm cutting off half of myself. Or perhaps it's just because I'm getting old.